Perhaps it is a very good thing a psychiatrist prescribed another horse for me. He said there was nothing they could do for me at the mental health center that could help me as much as Jack (his full name was River Island) helped me. Jack perished in a horrific barn fire for which the owners and their cronies accused me of setting. I was never charged and was fully investigated and the authorities decided the accusations were baseless.
I was out of my mind at the time and that is a fact. I was also taking medication but I kept having horrible waking nightmares of the barn collapsing and burning. No one wanted to listen to a Mad Cassandra.
Then when it happened they blamed me. If I really were to burn down a barn would I try to warn people? Would I try to stop it?
One of the things the owner said was that I did it because I was a Christian, that I had a bumper sticker on my car that said pray the rosary. She said I thought I was sending Jack to Heaven. Hogwash!
She watched too many Criminal Minds episodes. She’s got some kind of issue with Christianity if she thinks that’s what it’s about. I cannot really claim to reach the bar of being a Christian because I don’t have that level of love to turn the other cheek and love my enemies. I do love the rosary though. It’s the one thing I can count on.
The reality is that Jack helped me because I lack trust in people since a priest sexually abused me and I went crazy right afterwards. I lost it completely.
I had my first breakdown immediately and then went for the first time in the psych ward. So, what I don’t have is a history of violence.
And Pope Francis may now deem me selfish not to have children and have a horse instead. That’s fine, he can say that if he wants. I would have been an unfit mother and besides that I don’t have any kind of history of healthy relationships with men. It’s my problem. I made men my gods for a time and that too was my problem. It was Jesus who gave me recovery from that affliction and I decided to just follow Him and not be involved with men ever again. I thought I was called to be a secular nun (a Lay Dominican) but that looks highly unlikely now. I don’t claim to be Catholic anymore. I cannot handle being in any kind of Catholic institution. I become non-functional afterwards.
It’s still not wise for me to try to date because I just have zero success with it and it’s useless for me. Again, it’s my problem.
So not having children is actually a very wise thing because at the present time my dear family is trying everything in its power to get me into some sort of conservatorship because they want me out of the picture. They have done illegal things with money left to me and I am worse than useless in their eyes.
So maybe I am selfish, Pope Francis but honestly my ability to trust men and therefore marry and have children was destroyed by one of your priests who was on the “God Squad” and had a huge media presence.
He’s got some cushy retirement paid for by faithful Catholics and no teen girl is really safe from him, but oh well.
If you think I could in any way think a child could be safe being raised in a Catholic Church, you’ve got to be kidding. And it’s not much better anywhere else and I simply have a full time job just learning how not to be disabled.
It takes hours of prayer work just to have any kind of recovery at all. I am not a person people want to be around either.
So the idea that I could try to have had a child when all I do is go into fetal position when I read of the sex abuse victims in France and Germany–that’s beyond belief. I am way past age anyway and was much worse and really disabled when younger. All I could do was lie on the couch praying for energy to get up and got to the bathroom and feed myself. I would be like that for months on end interspersed with episodes of manic psychosis when I would live in waking nightmares and confine myself to my room and take my medication.
I was hardly an ideal mother candidate. I really was unfit to raise a child.
So maybe it was a blessing I did not have a child that the government would have ended up taking from me and funding his or her life, just as the government has supported me and paid for my healthcare. The Catholic Church has taken no responsibility to pay for the disabling abuse by its priest. I guess I am supposed to turn to the government completely because now I am told the money left to me has run out and so I have a horse who has very expensive needs and is a senior and it just worries me sick what to do about his care. But never mind, it’s just a selfish indulgence prescribed by a psychiatrist for me.
When the Faithful and True rides in on His white horse, will the Vatican consider Him selfish too? Maybe He needs an equine as a partner to deal with the mess humans have made of His legacy. Horses have huge hearts–much bigger than mine and any human beings. Maybe that’s what He needs because I don’t really feel much caring for the multitudes who have killed themselves after priests sexually abused them. The Lord needs hearts that care and maybe it takes an equine to care enough to carry the burden He bears because the Vatican refuses do what it takes to stop the abuse.
What will it take? Ask Him. If you’re His Vicar, He got the answer because I assure you He cares. Otherwise just really please stop pontificating on everything else. The world wants a solution to sex abuse and if you are the One True Church of Jesus Christ, then you have the answer.
It’s just selfish not to care enough to fast and pray until you’ve fixed the problem. Now you can see why I am not a Catholic. I am a madwoman on a mission. And it’s not exactly likely to succeed. I have to try though. It would be extremely selfish of me not to try after so many soul murders by so many priests.