The Stigma Of Being Sick in the Head

It took the assistance of Pharma to get me through the 20th anniversary of the mass suicide/homicide on 9-11. Dates are significant to those with post traumatic stress disorder, I have been taught by an expert in the field.

And so it was for me in so many ways because it was the beginning of the end of my career as a health reporter. I never really got over watching the endless newsreels of people flying planes into buildings and people jumping out of other high rises.

It would have been far better for me to work rather than watch the spectacle endlessly. I did work a bit, but my brain was so slowed down I could not function properly. I was clinically depressed.

I needed to delve into finding a way to cope. And what I did was become a mental health advocate who ended up focusing on suicide prevention. And I found out that PTSD can be helped with a radical change in diet.

Now I just want to report on what I found on both fronts, but who honestly wants to hear the message?

Is a health reporter who is challenged by a fickle brain a salable commodity? Best not to answer that question, perhaps…

If truth be known, what large numbers of Americans are doing in refusing to be vaccinated reminds me of those of us in State Psych wards who refuse our meds. Been there, done that and still have the secondhand sweats and T-shirt to prove it—the uniform of the committed. I was sure that generic olanzapine was going to kill me because it had aspartame as a filler (which is according to Dr Russell Blaylock, MD, a neurotoxin).

That is what my disease does when it takes over my brain, which it did because I was 2 days without medication when in an episode and staying at the Crisis Center. After that and the “ministrations” by the attorney who succeeded in destroying my recovery, I was beyond help.

It took a court order after I had gone through all the legal channels. When the 25 or so people surrounded me with the hypodermic needle to forcibly medicate me, I had no intention of resisting. I had done all I could in the legal battle and lost. Then I just was prepared to die. I really thought I would but at least I tried to save my life, I thought. It wouldn’t be a suicide, at least. I was wearing my scapular so I wouldn’t go to Hell.

Of course, I didn’t die, and in fact the next week I earned a patient of the week award for the most improved attitude. Imagine that! What sleeping can do for a person, in addition to medicating the excess dopamine that kept me up and pacing the halls for 2 weeks straight after the destruction of my recovery—courtesy the fallen attorney. I was also sure my mother’s spirit was inhabiting another woman patient and that she was trying to attack me and rape and kill me. So I just paced all night long.

Is that rational? Of course not. I did need sleep and generic olanzapine was the only way I was going to get it. I didn’t trust it though and even if I’d had brand name Zyprexa there, I probably would have found some reason in my deluded brain to reject it.

They gave it to me by injection. So now all these people who think that the vaccinations are unneeded or harmful remind me of my past except that now it almost seems suicidal for people to be refusing their shots.

Are they a danger to themselves and others? Perhaps they are. But it’s a mass delusion unfortunately. And people value freedom more than health obviously. I wanted to be free of Pharma, too. I wanted to be free to roam the halls and not sleep to escape my would-be killer who was medicated by a former psychiatrist. Surely he must be deliberately allowing her to stay up and pace all night because he never believed my mother was incestuous either.

He was not particularly psychologically astute; he was a medication manager. It was better living through chemistry courtesy of Pharma and I was hooked on him and his pill-centered practice. Surely he would find the perfect pill to fix me—a wafer of a communion that would overcome the vexations I’d endured from the fallen priest those many years before. But once the dopamine surge that is sufficient to precipitate psychosis is initiated, Pandora’s Box is officially unhinged forever.

Such is life. Not even Eli Lilly’s white knight of dopamine damping-down Zyprexa can return the box back it’s to pre-psychotic state permanently.

What I’d love to tell people who are refusing vaccination is that risking psychosis and other severe mental illnesses is not worth it. Some people are indeed going into deranged states from COVID and dying in extreme states of mental distress.

Being in a living waking nightmare that does not end, is not freedom. It’s slavery. It’s being enslaved by a deranged brain state that is the very definition of dis-ease. It’s so unpleasant that many take their own lives to escape it.

Being free to kill oneself—is that true freedom? To me that is what madmen desire and I want no part of it.

You can kill your body but that’s not all you are. And you won’t be in a better place or be free if you do. You’ll reap what you’ve sown. What goes around comes around.

Feel free to disagree with my take on it but at least it’s a deterrent and no first responder will have to suffer with seeing my carcass killed by myself, by the grace of G-d.

If you want to know how physicians regard patients who show up in the ER after suicide attempts, I can only tell you what people I know who were frequent flyers in the psych wards said. They said were not well-regarding by doctors who saw them in the ER repeatedly after multiple suicide attempts and saved their lives.

Imagine spending the years and years of training to save lives and then having people come in who just do everything to destroy themselves. It must be demoralizing.

So now doctors and nurses are spending countless hours trying to save people who are refusing to take the simplest, easiest care of themselves in taking two shots in the arm. And many are dying—very many. Needlessly.

Others can’t get lifesaving care because the hospitals are filled with deluded people who think vaccines are the devil. Unfortunately I get it. I know what it’s like to be totally deluded.

It’s nuts. There’s an app for that in this post- modern world: a double shot of Moderna—STAT. At least you won’t die hooked to a ventilator with multiple tubes invading every nook and cranny as the fruits of your ersatz-freedom. And you may live to see your cherished delusions were just wrong. Welcome to my world!

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