Stigmatized for a reason

Thank You, O G-d that you have given all of us a Guardian Angel so no matter how rotten a person we are, we always will have a friend and advocate. That is such a tremendous blessing!

There is a good reason I live in solitude and it lies within me, in the enemy within. I am in mortal combat with it 24/7. That is reality. What it takes for me to have even the semblance of recovery I do have is beyond comprehension. That is not to my credit at all. And I fully understand why it would repel all humanity.

And it does. And I am alright with that fact, for fact it is.

That is why I celebrate today. Today was the day River Island was born, known as Jack. He perished for a reason beyond my comprehension but part of it is because I went crazy and was unable to get him to a safe place. I now have to own that fact.

I was warned through awful premonitions and I tried to stop it but I could not because I was relying on people. That was my mistake and it was a big one.

Instead of losing my mind, I needed to just focus all my energy on getting him out of there, like another did with her mare, who is alive. She is a far better person than I am in many, if not most, ways. And Jack paid the price for my losing it and not having anyone I could turn to, as she did. I have to face my deficiency as a human being and I am.

Now I have learned to turn to the holy rosary, the Surrender Rosary when I have living, waking nightmares. And I take action to remove myself from the impending disaster or I report it. And I can and have been wrong, but I still will report it to whatever authority is in charge and they can check into the reality. And they do. And that gives me great peace because first responders really are trained to deal with anyone and everyone.

And now if Mel or I am at risk, I do not lose it so easily. I did last Fall but that was because I made the mistake of eating in a restaurant where the veggie burrito set off an inflammatory response and the first site affected in me is my brain. I lost it, but I learned I am not going to eat in restaurants now. I just won’t. That is A-Okay with me. It is a small price to pay for not descending into a hellish waking nightmare and scaring others with it and believing a lie.

I am learning how to adjust my life to my limits and one of those is my blood sugar level. I thought I was past low blood sugar but I found I am not, especially when under stress, which is all the time because I am so driven to get myself out of the bondage and abuse I am under. I have to be smart about it, though.

The most important thing is for me not to lose my harmony no matter how much my chain is yanked. That is what recovery looks like for me. I have to realize as a person how powerless this soul is over others. And for me, true justice looks like having seemingly totally unjust situations in my life not faze me. They are what they are.

Karma is real and all reap what they sow. It is written, Vengeance is mine saith the LORD, I will repay. I love to ask for the full-gathered momentum of G-d’s judgement upon me, personally and only me. That is what gives me peace and comfort.

My Guardian Angel who rides and is one with Jack, is my friend. Solitude is my soul’s etude or study. And I am learning that to be alone by oneself is a blessing because I am being stripped of my codependency and covert narcissism where I think that if I try to fix others then someday someone will help me and heal me who is not paid to do so. That is a sick, controlling way to live and it does not work. And all the world bears witness to it.

And that is the lesson humanity has taught me. And it is making me realize that I can really put G-d first because I do, finally.

He put Jack in my life, and now Mel, and in order to have them well, I have to step up to the plate because I cannot do it without Him. I just cannot. So, I have to “let go and Let G-d” and know that I have done my best and it is not enough, ever. But both Mel and Jack are in G-d’s Hands and He will not forget them and what their big hearts do and have done just by existing. And the love is real. It is just is and that is justice to me. That that love does not leave me, no matter what others do or say, that’s what recovery is to me.

Happy Birthday Jack! You are still the best therapist ever….Namaste.

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