stigma blog on a day of remembrance….

Today is St. George’s Day and the dragon is slain, in theory. What does that look like for me?

Everyone’s ego still struts. And I will never get an apology, yet I am blessed because “rejection is God’s protection.”

I lost my recovery that day and I had already lost my mind. I thought that all love in my world died with Jack’s death. It seemed like it did.

That’s what they wanted. Or so it seemed to me. I thought they were trying to get me to take my own life after they discovered I had not done so as they reported to others. I do not really know.

They’ve all got their lives and their freedom from me. That’s the way it should be. There’s not a single one of them that I want to be around. I can and do pray for them because I am supposed to “love my enemies.” It is still quite a stretch and I will never qualify as a saint.

I force myself to learn how to love them. And the best I can come up with is that I do forgive them all and they all have their freedom to follow their bliss.

I can address them directly now here. Ride on, dear enemies….I love you so much because you have taught me the best lesson of all. I am free of you, too, because I forgive you and I am not tied to you anymore. You can continue to deny reality and I get to write about being the worst case of stigma against a mentally ill person the then-director of the state’s largest mental health center and my then-psychiatrist has ever seen. And most of all, I get to choose not to become what you said I was.

Yes, I was mad for a very long time. Now I am just driven to run away from you and not look back–ever. That’s what Thoroughbreds have taught me:  running brings bliss.

Have a great life…or not–it’s up to you. You get to choose because mine is blessed with a mission now. I get to reach for the mark of the high calling in Him and hope to be able to ride with Him and for Him. Now I know I do because He is in the center of my life and my heart.

There is no greater trainer than the Faithful and True. Either He is on the throne of each one’s heart or the ego is. And I know for sure it is an epic battle to keep that ego chained so it’s slain in me. Whatever you do, fine.

You can live your mythic lives. Mine is focused on one goal.

I want to be wedded to the Truth forever. I am over trying to fix People of the Lie. Completely and totally. That is His job, not mine.

Bloated and self-satisfied you can remain as inebriated as you want. It’s not my business. I did not cause it. I can’t fix it. and I can’t control it–your sickness.

I learned a lot from you. Mostly, I know what kind of equestrian I do not want to be. And I will write about what I discover in how to recover by moving on. And maybe I will get better…leaving you makes that true already…Thank goodness!

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