stigmatized on Good Friday 2018

Thanks be to God for giving me a cross to bear on Good Friday! I am really grateful that the judgment has come down upon me. I thought I had passed the inspection on Tuesday this week but today I got the notice I am in violation of my lease and have 10 days to comply or my lease will be terminated.

This totally makes sense to me. It truly does. I am judged and right so.

It was only by God’s grace that I made any progress at all. I had to fast on bread and water for 3 1/2 days to be able to focus well enough to get it better than it was. It was not good enough. I did really try. I honestly did. I knew I faced homelessness if I did not get it done. I thought it was good enough and on that day the inspector indicated it was–or so I thought. Evidently I was wrong.

The notice says the “front of the cabinets need cleaned (sic)” and “Keep working on tidying!”

Now I will know for sure how solid my recovery in my psychiatric condition of post-traumatic stress disorder and bipolar disorder as well as addictions is. I will either decompensate with this news and have to be hospitalized and face homelessness or I will get better from the brain injury ASAP and be able to organize well enough to be housed. One way or the other I will know how solid my recovery is–or not. It is the perfect test because a list I made of fears included being evicted. In the past, I was given an eviction notice by my brother the trustee from the place I was left by my mother, whose birthday it is today.

Mom, you were right. You did not raise me to be a slob but I have become one. It is not your fault at all. I was not this way until after I moved to Billings and received shock treatments, which I requested myself. It is not that I was fastidious before but I was always capable of organizing when I needed to in the past.

I made the mistake of thinking I had to go through all my papers before I cleaned thoroughly and that was not wise. The professional organizer I had hired to help me was on vacation and then had to cancel due to illness on the very day of the inspection. It is all making the case that I do indeed have a malfunction in my brain that I did not have before. I have a neuro-psychological evaluation scheduled for May 1, which is not easy to obtain. I am pretty sure I have prefrontal cortex abnormalities which would make sense because that is where the electro-convulsive treatments (ECTs) were focused.

I still retain the ability to read and write well and reading parts of Dr. Daniel Amen, M.D.’s “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life” gave me an idea of what my issue is. So, now I get tested on my recovery to see if this triggers the dopamine flooding from a stress response or not.

I am not writing this for sympathy. I was directed to write a blog on stigma some time ago and this bit of news is a blessing because it brings me back to my assignment. We shall see how I sleep tonight because that is my barometer of my mood state. I am grateful I have the emWave from HeartMath and the sleep training protocol. At a certain point, it will not stop the flooding of dopamine sufficiently and that is when I take the anti-psychotic Zyprexa, which I would gladly do and have for many years. Then I would notify my psychiatrist of that event. I was trained to recognize my warning signals and medicate accordingly and I certainly have no compunction about so doing. People can say whatever they want about psychiatric medications. Zyprexa is a Godsend to me, when I need it. There is nothing that works better for me to dampen the excessive dopamine flooding in my system once it gets out of hand. I try to not let it get to that point, but this particular trigger is a potent one.

I still have the Surrender Rosary to help me, as it surely did when I fasted and prayed it by the hour to focus my brain well enough to do as much organizing and cleaning as I did. I am exceedingly grateful because I believe I am being healed because there is no other way I could have done what I did as well as I did, even though it was inadequate. I tried.

I know I have a true Friend in the Lady of the Rosary and She is helping me and She will be there for me if I become homeless again, as She has been before. When I went to the battered women’s shelter, I became homeless the last time and that was when I got to Billings. I used to think that I kept a messy house to repel people to keep me safe, but that isn’t really the whole picture.

I do know I do not like to have a lot of heavy furniture which I would have to ditch if I was evicted. I like to only have things I myself can carry if I have to leave at a moment’s notice. That includes not having a bed. The manager does not understand why I do not have a bed, but I do–in storage. I would rather have the room, the space, than have a bed take up all that space.

Even the Prophet Elijah was homeless. He was a far, far better servant of God than I will ever be, so who do I think I am that I should not have to face being homeless myself?

God has a plan on this Passover night for this Messianic Jew. “Rabboni, O Jesus, I surrender myself to You. Take care of everything” as I endeavor to come up to code with my compromised brain. Thank You!

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