Stigma blog–no more anonymity

January 21, 2018–from a public computer as mine is not working

When I felt I was called to blog on stigma years ago, I sought the advice of a reporter and editor who has won national awards for her coverage of mental health issues. She advised me that she was concerned lest it be held against me because she knew how it could be in small towns in this rural state. She is a huge advocate for those with mental health disorders and she has known me for years, including when I did advocacy work and she would show up at the council meetings. She did not know then that I was trained as a reporter and I really did not talk about that to anyone. I do not think that my then-psychiatrist of 7 years even knew that either and he was the one who encouraged me to get into advocacy work.

I cannot say if I will report again or not, because this is not reporting. A blog is really a glorified diary of sorts and is not edited. To really report, it requires editing and oversight and following ethical standards. This is no more nor less than a “Diary of a Macro-Mad Woman.” I have no clue why anyone should take me seriously and I do not expect that anyone will. That’s alright. It is a very good thing if no one reads it and no one cares. Maybe that is why I am supposed to write–to dethrone my ego.

I do not think the whole world is wrong and I am right. There is a reason I am in the state I am in. I am receiving valuable training in the school of hard knocks and the sea of humanity is my teacher right now. I can see just what the scenario brings of believing I am aggrieved and wronged irreparably and therefore should take revenge. That is what happened to a woman woman I knew who attempted to take her life and then her husband took her life and his and that of their cats. I knew her. She was in a therapy group I was in. From the beginning, I had a strong sense she would hurt me deeply and I was wary of her.

I tried to get an actual reporter who is professionally capable and has the skills to report on her case. He had done a lot of work on the case but in the end did not feel he could ethically report what he knew because there were too many unanswered questions. He knew I was too close to the story to report on it and that is entirely fair.

What I would like to do is to record what I think should be known to be able to equip first-responders in dealing with people with such an agenda. I have been told by professional mental health providers that there was probably nothing anyone could have done to prevent the tragedy. I do not know if that is the case or not. I truly do not.

All I know is that the hell I went through because of what she did may somehow be used to keep first responders safe because I know that however much I think I may have suffered, it in no way compares to what those people who dealt with the gruesome scenario have to live with in their memories.

I am not going to disclose information from anyone else in the group. Sickness like hers needs to be studied, though, and analyzed in order to help prevent such tragedy.This is what M. Scott Peck, M.D. wrote in “People of the Lie,” although he is better known for “The Road Less Traveled.”

When I was on the advisory council, we were able to eventually have a suicide prevention specialist in order to oversee the State’s efforts to combat the scourge of suicide. This was the result of many advocates in many areas. One of the key recommendations throughout the years is that there be psychological autopsies conducted for every suicide in the State. That recommendation has not been implemented. It is my hope that this small blog may contribute to getting that accomplished. I do not see why first responders should have to show up to clean up the horrors and confront the real dangers without being given every insight available to best deal with the awful realities.

One of the first responders, whom I know from his having transported me to the psychiatric hospital once in past years, is always at the scene, seemingly of the big events locally. It pains me to no end that his family not be able to see him come home to them because of people who are determined to take their lives and may wish to take his, as well.

The last time I saw the woman, she was at group and I had a very bad feeling about what would happen to her. On the way home, I prayed the whole time because I felt she would try to take her life. She never returned to group.

I followed the rules not to have contact with group members outside of group but she did not and had contact with others even that awful day. I am forever grateful l was not invited to have contact with them. I did not know what she and her husband had done when I had a nightmare that night after the bloodbath where they both were taunting me to join them and beckoning me to have a steak, and not adhere to the Daniel Cure guidelines, which my psychiatrist believes has helped me tremendously. I cannot really say if post-traumatic stress disorder can be cured through abstaining from animal-based foods and the by-products in them from the traumas of their demise. All I know is that macrobiotics has given me a path to follow, just as the Ancient of Days gave it to the prophet Daniel who survived being in the lion’s den and serving a king whose beliefs clashed with his own.

The only blood relatives I know for sure I can claim are the Patriarch Abraham and his wife Sarah, and Abraham was known to be rich in gold, silver and cattle. As a Jew–now a Messianic Jew–my ancestors ate beef for many a lifetime and some of the finest people I know are cattle ranchers. They truly are. I do not wish to denigrate their way of life because I admire them greatly as people. I just do better without eating animals for whatever reason. I have a condition called pyroluria which was brought on by the acute stress of sexual abuse and makes me unable to properly digest meat now.

She worshiped her husband and in his last hours he spoke of his connection to God and how he had been brought through quite a life by his God and was praying for the ability to carry out what he felt he was supposed to do. I will submit to you, that her husband had the wrong God. The God he followed was not one who commands “Thou shalt not kill.”

We have freedom of religion in this country and that is a very good thing indeed. We therefore have those who are Abel to preserve and defend life and those who are marked as followers of Cain, whom we ought to know by their fruits. I have pledged, as a Keeper of the Flame (of Life) to be my brother’s keeper. I would like the first responders to know that some out there are intent upon taking revenge upon life because of whatever reason and they are following a different code of ethics, they are enthralled with a god of death and destruction. Those two supposedly made a suicide pact before she joined the therapy group and so it may have been just a matter of time. The tragedy played out like Bonnie and Clyde meets Romeo and Juliet in the 21st century. The world was out to get them (in their minds) and they would deprive the world of themselves–violently. She said that the whole world was wrong and she was what was right. She said that in group. Narcissism is part of the human condition but when it turns malignant, that is when it needs to be studied, according to Dr. Peck.

Forewarned is forearmed and the Almighty has assigned the great Archangel Michael to deal with those wed to evil, which as Dr. M. Scott Peck observed is “Live” spelled backwards. Archangel Michael is the patron saint of policeman for a reason and he dealt with Lucifer and he can deal with anything and anyone. He can protect all and prevent tragedy. Of that I am sure. In this time of troubles as prophesied in the Book of Daniel, he comes. May his armor defend all from the Father of Lies who beckons, take your life and you will be free of troubles. My nightmare would indicate otherwise, but why heed the nightmare of an admitted Mad Woman seeking recovery? What matters is the very real waking nightmare the first responders confronted which does not bespeak of a paradise for any at all. The reader can be the judge–if all the psychiatric and mental health services (which she did have) could not prevent such horrors, is it wrong to turn to a Deity who can?


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