stigmatized anonymous: denying Him

Today I bore witness.

Today I was told I could not mention the Name of Jesus at an Al-Anon meeting. Unless I abide by that, I am not welcome it seems. I can say the Name but eventually they will have a group conscience and they will decide whether or not to banish me.

I am not going there to take over the group. I will abide by their rules, which are part of the worldwide fellowship, which means I am no longer going to set foot in an Al-Anon meeting. Of that, I am clear.

I went to begin with because the major and present abusers in my life all have issues with alcohol. I qualify on that account. Most especially, the priest who sexually abused me and whose actions precipitated my first psychosis, has alcohol issues. He has a DUI and was a fixture at the parties where the spirits flowed freely which my family frequented. I do not know if he too attended parties with Anton LaVey, the founder of the Church of Satan, as did my parents. He may well have.

The fact that I have gotten through this past month of complying with the eviction notice from my brother from the one place that was owned for me in my adult life and which served as my home/office is solely due to my Saviour. That is the absolute Truth.

So, I am in effect banished once again. Welcome to my world.

I am grateful beyond measure that I recognize Him as the Messiah. As a Jew, that means something to me and no one can take that away from me and certainly not a pseudo-recovery group. I do not care one iota if every single person on this planet rejects me and spurns me. I really and truly do not. I am not budging on this and if that makes me unwelcome by everyone everywhere, sobeit.

When I attended a Living Rosary group outside on May Day and the woman who was going to sponsor me in RCIA gave me the totally cold shoulder and could barely say hello to me, I knew. The leader of RCIA there did not even try to approach me. Evidently I am radioactive. Sobeit. I went from there to view the film Spotlight (about priest abuse) and wept–alone, yet not so. He was there with me and I know it.

They can lock me up forever, but He will still be with me and I know that for a fact. I used to say on the psych ward, when we were all waiting for the shrinks to make their rounds and adjust our meds or give us a scrap of attention, “my Ultimate Psychiatrist is ‘Dr. J’–Dr. Jesus, because He is available 24/7 and He has a history of actually healing mental illness.” So, go ahead and try to take that away from me, world! What do you have to offer me? I have been stuffed full of pills to sedate me, to make me nice and passive and not make waves. Fine! I am grateful for medication and that is the truth but it will never, ever heal me fully unless I face the reality of why I went mad in the first place.

I became a madwoman as a reaction to trauma from a man in black robes who thought he was a god and I was there for his use. He actually said that, too. “Look what the Lord brought me!” Yes, I was a virgin and I would remain one until my later rape because I went mad rather than be another of his pets. Mission accomplished! I am a survivor and I did not kill myself as many abused have.

Now, I bear witness to those who took their lives rather than live with the dark robed ones breathing down upon them their fetid breaths of Hell. I may never be in any church and I can live with that too. My Saviour has a plan and I am sure of it. I will yet be part of the Fourth Estate again, by His grace.

My mentor at Stanford, Eli Abel, knew McCandlish Phillips, my journalistic hero, from when Eli worked at the New York Times. Phillips was called of the Lord to work there and was a great star with impeccable integrity. He interviewed a Neo-Nazi and afterwards witnessed to him. I know Phillips is with the Lord. I do not think he regrets following the Way, the Truth and the Life, one bit. The world needs the Spirit of Truth right now and it is time to afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted. I pray that that Comforter remove my affliction so I may be able to shine the spotlight as well. Amen.







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