Off-the-Wall—A Street Survival Journal—the stigma of fear of fire

I escaped from what to me was an unacceptable risk of fire. It was truly a Godsend because I did not wait for the barn owner to deal with what the barn manager said was a fire hazard. I gave notice and then informed the fire department of what the barn manager said. Then I was given notice by the barn owner to leave in 10 days. And I did.

I cannot say why I keep finding myself in these situations but I do know what did not work at all and that was to trust the barn owner in 2012 to do the right thing. She didn’t and the tragic loss of lives was beyond horrendous.

I had had a meltdown in the process and that did not work well for me at all. So this time I did not go there and just did what I needed to do to get my equine partner to a safe place. I did not talk about it with anyone other than those I mentioned above.

I found in the process that I am still a reporter. I just am. And I paid a huge price for reporting to the fire department. This is a gigantic disruption in my life. But I have no regrets at all.

My guardian angel got me through this ordeal. I know that for sure and now I can move on to find a longer term place to board.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel of fire nightmares. Tonight I drove through the Southern Lights display at the Horsepark. I loved spending the fee to go through it because it was truly an extravaganza. I could leave the puny competition to the show behind and walk away and instead support a place that really cares about horses.

I had looked for the Christmas Star but did not see it. Instead that day I witnessed Mel’s total love and affection for Dr. Carlos’ after he reset his shoe along with Dr Craig. Their dedication to truly caring for horses was the Christmas Star I saw as the love flowed from Mel’s heart to theirs in gratitude. It was one of the most tender moments I have ever witnessed. Thank goodness for professionals who care, as they touch Mel’s heart deeply and warm my own as well.

Off-the-Wall Street—A Journal: 8-18-2020—The Stigma upon the biggest marks of all

If you are on the express way to financial ruin, to whom do you turn? If it’s American “Excess” as financial guru Dave Ramsey calls the iconic American Express, what then?

What if that company is there for you when no one else is, including the guru himself? If I’d been fortunate enough to be able to follow his advice when I first studied at his financial university, I would be in worse trouble than I am now.

I still have a credit rating because I haven’t cut up all my cards as he recommends. If I had, and then had no credit rating I could not have escaped the oppressive situation nor could I rent a new place because renting now involves credit checks.

Many, many years ago a psychiatrist wanted me to cut up my AmEx card because of course no bipolar patient could handle one. Except I once had a credit score of over 800 until a financial abuser knocked it down a bit with his twisted take on dominating my life through lording over my inheritance.

So at least American Express has the good sense and good business sense to profit by lending me money and extending credit to me. Dave Ramsey’s system seems to work well for many but for someone with a monkey on her back of a financial abuser who is fine with a disabled brain injured woman he tried to get rediagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic driving cross country alone with no funding, it’s not ideal.

No big deal. The abuser is making the case for oversight of special needs trusts in his continuing dominating ways devoid of trustworthiness.

Would you ever want to give the account number of your credit card to someone who stood back and hoped you’d crash and burn cross-country? Crazy idea, right?

Keep hoping, Bro’…You’re the reason the laws need to change and you are making that case on a daily basis…

Off-the-Wall—a Street Smart Journal: Staring Down Homelessness 7-28-20

When you have been prescribed a treatment by a psychiatrist who is able and willing to take you to court to commit you, you tend more towards compliance. I guess that’s the idea for those whose job it is to care for the mentally ill.

Well, it worked. I did find an incredible equine partner after being ordered to by my former doctor. He said repeatedly, you have to get another horse. There is nothing we can do for you here ( at the largest mental health center in the State) that will help you as much as Jack helped you. Jack had been on my treatment team and I lost him in a tragedy that sent me into a tailspin that caused my commitment to the State Hospital. The psychiatrist who was the director of the center said my case was the worst case of stigma against a mentally ill person he had ever known. Still, he pressed me to do the impossible and try again.

There was no way I wanted a repeat of having another treasured partner undergo what Jack did. I was a sitting duck with him and had no way to escape a terrible fate. I had no truck nor trailer and no way to get him to safety.

So I was guided to his successor and a place for him and was promised by the then veterinarian that he would be able to get him to care if needed.

Things change and the barn manager had issues and I needed to move Mel because he would not eat the hay and I fed him myself twice a day. I could tell that an episode was coming on and I may be forced to go to the hospital and no one would have fed him hay he’d eat.

So thankfully I found a hauler I could hire to move Mel and I did. I did end up in the psych ward and came back to Mel having a bone infection that nearly cost his life.

He had to have surgery for it and I will be forever grateful that the veterinarian’s fiancée picked him up and took him to the clinic. He was far away from the clinic so it took some time. If she had not done it, I am sure Mel would be dead.

Transportation has always been a life and death matter in my mind, but to the lord over my inheritance, the trustee of my special needs trust, it is a mode of control and a way to assert power. So my brother who makes good money denying me needed care and tries to block my recovery and return to work in any way he can, repeatedly, has determined not to have me have vital transportation for what is essentially irreplaceable medicine that is also a living being who himself requires care.

The State does not and should not pay for this prescribed medicine. Mel is legally a service animal in this State. A Special Needs Trust is a legal instrument set up for disabled people to get services and care that are outside what the State can provide.

Now once again, I face the issue of transportation for Mel to get vital veterinary care for an issue that could end his life if not addressed. So my own disorder flared up and I was on edge.

When the hauler talked about cancelling the cross country trip to the best veterinary care, I did indeed speak my mind in no uncertain terms. Maybe I was out of line.

My wallet and cell phone were stolen later and I was homeless and it took some time for me to regroup and face the fact of yet another transportation crisis.

I wanted to find a way to turn this sour lemon into a lemonade, I wrote to the hauler. Today, I found it. The Salvation Army in the horse capital of the world has a fundraiser for kids in crisis who are facing homelessness. It’s called LemonAid and Mel and I donated to Hank the Horse’s fundraiser.

I am determined not to be a drain on resources but a working, contributing tax paying home owner in the new State. And I am saving $1,500. By booking Mel on the best ride there—in a box stall with the Brook Ledge equine transporters who moved American Pharaoh throughout the country. I call that not just lemonade but the finest lemon bars or lemon meringue pie possible to this recovering sugar junkie somehow made kosher for me. The taste of victory is the sweetness I truly seek as we move to a place where Brook Ledge has a headquarters and where Thoroughbreds are highly valued for their contributions to the health, welfare and economy of Kentucky.

I can now rest easy that he will have transportation from professionals and I can get out of their way and let them do their job and not interfere at all. What a relief!

Now to get myself there, as well…The Salvation Army helped me by printing out directions to drive to Kentucky since AAA can’t get them to me in time. And they were kind enough to pray for me, with me. Although it is still a daunting task to drive myself there with this fickle brain, I have more faith now. I have printed directions from the wonderful practical people at the Salvation Army. They are the best!

My reason for leaving: recovery

I gave notice and have vacated with it cleaned and cleared and am waiting for my deposit back…So this is how I became homeless once again…

I contacted the Housing Authority and hopefully the management will be held accountable…or not…at any rate, I have hopes of finding a place in the future…but the trustee seems unwilling to use the money from my inheritance to help in any immediate way…

I expect to get the deposit back before I see any funding/backing from the one who is “family” and lord over my inheritance…I have trust issues galore but today will talk with a LegalShield attorney for a referral to take the trustee to court in Washington State where he resides…I have been unable to have a restraining order against him completed because he resides in another State…

I did try to have a welfare check done on him in the past when he was late in paying but that is tough, too…two counselors have said he may try to kill himself if he is backed into a corner, so I have that weighing upon me as well, but I told his trust attorney to call a welfare check if he sees that anyone does anything to defend me or my case so as to cause the trustee distress…so far, he is not held to account, although Adult Protective Services is now involved in my case again…

I am grateful to have given notice and vacated and have shown I will put my recovery first, which is what it takes to be one of the one one hundredth of one percent of formally obese persons who have become normal in weight and stayed that way, according to statistics quoted by neuroscientist Susan Peirce Thompson, PhD…I do not follow her protocol but have learned much from her example and work…

Today I am what Dr. Thompson says is the goal of her program: to be “happy, thin and free”…I am happy to be in recovery albeit in a different way than she…Thanks be to the holy rosary–my lifeline in recovery in this shipwreck of a life of mine!

Hole in the ceiling where the water leaked from originally…truly my lifestyle issue, as I have an off-the-wall personality that causes holy mayhem in my life and world…mea culpa…